What Caused You Pain Today, Will Make You Stronger Tomorrow

To everyone who fell down and stood up by themselves,
To every tear shed, and a heart broken,

To every failure, heartache and mistake,

I just want to say that, it’s not okay, but it is bearable. 

There is nothing wrong with picking yourself up after a great downfall, remember that it is not because you are lonely, but because you a brave. It is okay to cry, because at the end, it only shows that you are human, vulnerable to feel.

Sometimes we think that we are offended by other people because they are driven by their humane emotions that we forget that we are allowed to get hurt too, because as human beings, we can feel pain too.

If they hurt you, fight back. It’s not wrong to protect yourself. If you fail, try again. Take note that nobody succeeded in their first try, and that’s okay. The length of the time you invested is not important, what matters is that at the end, you finish strong. If you are hurt, cry. That does not make you a coward, as long as you stand up after wiping your tears and continue on.

There is always gonna be those people who will attack your weakness, rain on your parade and those people who will try their hardest to kill the fire inside your soul, but keep in mind that they can’t break you, because they do not have that power. You always have the upper hand so, take those stones they throw at you and make a castle out of it.

All of the pain that you’ve endured today, will only be scars tomorrow. It will always be there to remind you of what you’ve been through, but it won’t hurt again. It will only remain as something to remind you which path to take and which path to avoid to stop you from making the same mistakes. It will make you wiser, and braver.

Still

There was a kid in the church I go to who cuts and posts it in her social media account. Whenever we happen to talk about her, they tell me, “you’re done to that phase (by ‘phase’ they mean the time in my life when I cut the most), right?”, And I laugh, and say yes.

They say that I don’t harm myself anymore, all because they don’t see my cuts . Just because they do not see me bleeding, they assume that I am fine.

But I’m not. I was never fine.

I tried to get cleaned for months and fail each time.

I try to enjoy myself in the company of others but at the end of the day, I always go to bed thinking why I never took the courage to kill myself. And every night, before I sleep, I am itched to cut.

No matter how much I tell myself that I should never cut again, I still go back to the same place I just left. 

They must have been thinking that because I don’t say, “I want to die” anymore, that means I don’t really want to die.

Do I still cut? Yes. 

Do I still want to die? Yes.

But I don’t want to say it. Because nobody can ever understand the numbness I feel, no matter how much I describe it.

So instead of saying “I want to die.”, I say, “I’m tired.” “I can’t do this anymore.” Because it’s easier for them to understand since they feel exhaustion too, but the difference is, mine is a different kind.

First

The clock ticked at exactly 6:00, It has been a rough night, rough week, and a rough life. The alarm went on right after, but I have been awake all night long. I was not able sleep a wink last night, I don’t know if it was because of the coffee or my depression. These days, I find myself walking with a heavy heart, for somebody who is strong willed and a gym goer, I am very weak. I don’t know why I’m still alive when I’m barely living. Maybe because I don’t have anything to live for, but then, you came. In a blink of an eye; in a flash, you came. In a month, or a year, I was the happiest. You were all those gifts on Christmas when I was young girl with a pure heart, those suprise trips to McDonalds when I was a middle schooler. You were that person I wanted to try everything with, like a teen in love, I want to explore all those magical things; and so we did. You entered my world and you wandered inside, you got to the depths of my soul and I let you enjoy all that I have. But you took all what I can offer, and left me with nothing. You scarred me through the roots of myself. You broke me. After you were done with me, you left me. You said I was as beautiful as a rainbow but you only wanted that pot of gold. And again, in a flash; in a blink of an eye, you’re gone. Gone like when I knew Santa was never real. Like when mom brought me to the hospital to get a shot instead of McDonalds. And just like a teen who had her first heartbreak, I knew that thos magical things were horrible, and impossible. 

Random Thought

We all have our own sufferings. Some problems are harder than the others, and some are challenging. There is no easy problem. We simply get past through them because we choose to fight those that hinder us from moving forward. And when we’re out from the chain of distress, we’d like to think that we’re mightier than what worries us. But when we see other people going through the same hardships, and see them struggle in finding a way to solve the puzzle, we belittle them. We assume that we’re better just because we handled it better in a faster pace and when we see them find ways to divert their frustrations, we laugh, or disapprove as if we are entitled to.

This is how society treat those who suffers mental health illness. People think that mental health illnesses are just ones’ problems. And when they know what scarred us that put us in a situation where living is the hardest thing to pull off, they talk as if they all better, as if they know how it feels, saying they have been in the same shoes as ours but the truth is, we don’t get to wear the same shoes. Maybe it was designed the same but differs in sizes or vice versa. No one knows how it feels to be in your shoes, especially if you don’t have the same size. 

We have our own ways to fill in the gaps in our hearts, some make bridges and let the water flow underneath it, and some find other ways to cross those gaps without being washed away by the flowing water. Being in the same situation does not give you any entitlement to criticize how someone solve their own problems. Because at the end of the day, the only life we truly know is our own.

Today Was Shitty

Today was not a very good day. I was bitching all day and I do not know if it was because of my menstruation or whatever but I hate today. I feel really empty. The feeling was somewhat familiar but I do not want to think that way. I started the year right, I have been cleaned and although I think of suicide every now and then, I have managed to keep my cool. But today was different. I want to cry. I know why. I saw my 6 year crush and that broke me. When I got home, I felt as if I was unwanted. They were telling me that I have been sulking all day without a reason, there is a reason. They just don’t know. And the same emptiness made its way to my brain again. I know where this leads. Some of you might say that I am overreacting about the crush thing but have you ever felt as if you’re hideous? I’m not the kind of girl who gets insecure over petty things but lately, I have been thinking about appearance. That is bad, I know. But I can’t help blame myself for my own misfortunes. I wish I feel better tomorrow. I wish everyone feels better tomorrow.

Relapse

Is it possible to be depressed without consulting a doctor?

It’s been a month since I last wrote a blog, to be honest, I have been good lately. My family and I spent my birthday week in Hongkong and I feel at ease when I watch Korean Dramas and I haven’t thought about cutting.

But tonight, I recieved a news that an acquaintance died. I don’t know why I’m freaking out but I can’t stop thinking about death. Suddenly, I feel like cutting again and I feel like my cousin’s suicide is my fault and I feel both sorry and guilty and I want to die but I’m too afraid to do so. I feel so sorry for calling myself depressed when I don’t even know what’s the problem with me.

I don’t want to cut anymore. I don’t want to die not being able to do what I love the most. I want to live.

How do I stop this feeling from coming back? No matter how much I hold it in and tell myself that I’m better, I always end up going through the same circle. I am done suffering, but I don’t want to die.

Should I quit?

There are successful people who often say that once you figure out your purpose in life, that’s when you actually enjoy living.

By now, I know who am I living for, what my goals are and who are the people I mean to. But why is that I still want to die?

I am so exhausted! Both physically and mentally. I have lost all the will to live but I am too afraid to kill myself. What if there is hell? What if I regret dying?

These days, I have been stressing out about school and home. My parents just won’t quit fighting and the pressure at home is increasing. I feel like I am going to explode.

Actually, I did. I have been cutting again and I feel really sorry about it. I feel sorry for my body. I feel bad for myself. They are being punished for something that isn’t their fault.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I quit? I don’t see the difference between Living and Dying anymore. Both are torture.

What We Need

I’ve seen a post in facebook that says: “No matter how many people help you, if you don’t help yourself, it’s useless.”

I realized that, she got a point but what makes it useless is because sometimes, people are quite too much.

When a person is suffering from mental illnesses and they share their story to somebody, that somebody think that she needs to do something.

Help is needed, that is given. But sometimes, what we need is support. If I tell you I’m depressed, I don’t need you to tell me to shake it off or give me a long-assed advice how beautiful living is because that’s not what I need. If I tell you I’m depressed, let me take a nap, or let me do something I’m comfortable doing. If someone is having an anxiety attack, you don’t tell them to “face their fears”, you don’t add pressure to it because otherwise, it’s going to get worse.

We appreciate it of people tries to help, but they need to look at it in the sufferer’s perspective. Before you help, ask yourself if it is going to be beneficial to the person you want to help. From what I see, there are instances that people give advices and such to the sufferer because it gives them satisfaction. They use the sufferer’s condition as an excuse to appease themselves.

The most sincere gift you can give is support.

A Twist in the Middle

Looking at my childhood now, It is a surprise to me that I survived. I never thought that I lived and I’m still living.

Am I grateful? Yes. Am I happy? Sort of.

Looking at how my life turned out, is very very disappointing. I’m a 16-year-old girl who desperately wants to die. I cut, I write shitty short stories and blogs, I write how much I am depressed. People thinks that what I do to my self is pathetic, they don’t go on telling me, “Trisha, you’re pathetic. Stop it.” But I can see the way they look at my scars, the way their faces turns blank when I tell them stories of how I think my mental health is worsening, I can tell they’re sick with how much I try to tell them that depression is no joke and suicide is both fine and not fine. I can see how they have no interest in anything about me.

That is disappointing.

When mama went abroad, it was okay for me since I know our need for it. When I turned 13, I had to take responsibility in house chores because our eldest sibling had to go to work. I survived, with the help of my brother. But now that he needs to go to work too, I’m left with everything. Chores are fine with me, what’s not fine is that I am depressed and I can barely live, how am I suppose to do the house job? My father doesn’t understand that. And his constant comparisons, insults and pressures, it makes me want to kill myself more.

Sometimes I’m left to wonder, do we really live just to want to die?

I’m a 16-year-old, I want to live but I want to die. I haven’t even spent a quarter of my life and yet, I’m already tired. Is this how life suppose to be? Or am I in the twist of my story? When does the twist end? Does the twist end when I end my life?

My Thoughts These Past Few Days

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog.

To be honest, I’ve been okay. Okay to not post a blog, okay to just shut up.

I am not good though, never was, never will, I guess. I wonder how it feels like to live not thinking about dying?

However, I’m just here to check on you guys. Is everyone alive? I wish you all are. Life is hard, but let’s keep moving forward together.

These past few days, I thought if we could die because we’re depressed without committing suicide? Like if you have cancer, there is a chance that you will die just because you have cancer, right? Can that happen to depression too? Please answer. Google often says that main effects of depression is suicide. I’d like to think otherwise. I’d appreciate if you answer.

The reason I wanted to know if that’s possible is because I’m afraid that to kill myself. So, I have hopes that I can die naturally. Because that is acceptable in this world we live in.

I gotta sleep now, I still have a long day tomorrow. Good night from me here in the Philippines, to you from wherever you are.